“How to know if you have postpartum depression?” I googled that 3 months after giving birth to my daughter. It felt so simple. Visit my doctor, get medication, take medication, and get better. If only it were that easy.
No one tells you the depression makes you forget to take your medication, even with reminders. No one tells you that some days you lose motivation to even try to fight back because you’re exhausted from just trying to survive. No one tells you that for people in my position, a stay at home mom with a partner that works 8:30AM-5:30PM, finding a therapist is hard. Especially in a small city that functions like a town.
Calling it a battle, especially in the beginning, feels like an overstatement. I was and am still getting my ass handed to me by depression, despite my best efforts. From having to stop breastfeeding at 4 months postpartum, to not eating, then overeating, and the overwhelming anxiety, I thought my efforts to fight back were useless. So far my efforts to fight back include partaking in my hobbies again. Like crocheting and water coloring. I’m trying to do pilates and yoga interchangeably every other day, drinking more water, going for walks with my family, and dancing with my babies. So what’s keeping me motivated to even do any of this?
You might roll your eyes, but my children. This may not be the answer you’re looking for. Maybe it’s your children triggering you (and mine definitely trigger me too). My biggest tip is to try everything until you find the thing that keeps you going. Even if, at this point, it’s not your children. Try 100 different hobbies, take walks in the morning or evening to find your groove. Turn on some music and dance like a maniac alone or with your partner or your kid(s). Drink half your weight in water, or go to your car, turn up your music, and scream until you’re hoarse (and ignore anyone who bothers to stare).
Even though it should not take getting to this point, I’ve come to the realization that this journey through Postpartum depression has made me all the more compassionate, especially when I look back at my childhood and see my parents through my new eyes. Suddenly the times my parents struggled and I didn’t understand back then, are clear now.
I’ll finally be seeing my doctor again in a few weeks, hopefully to get a new medication and a much needed pep talk. I’ll be making a post with all the resources I’ve gathered to battle Postpartum Depression next. If you feel you might be struggling with Postpartum Depression I urge you to visit Postpartum Support International in the meantime!
Sometimes this illness will have us believing we’re alone in the world, but that couldn’t be further from the truth, and if it’s going to try to take us down it’s going to have to put up a hell of a fight.
xo, Beth.
p.s. What is your best tip for overcoming a depressive episode in 5 minutes? I’m talking you have a few minutes to get it together before the kids wake up from their nap! Share in the comments!
